I Rest My Case.

[Bluesnote]

These are from a book called
Disorder in the American Court
things people actually
said
in court, word for word, taken down and now published by
court
reporters who had the
torment of staying calm while these
exchanges were actually taking
place.
____________________________________________________

ATTORNEY:

Are you sexually active?

WITNESS: No, I just lie
there.

____________________________________________________



ATTORNEY:
What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

WITNESS: Gucci
sweats and
Reeboks.

______________________________________



ATTORNEY: This
myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS:
Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS:
I forget.

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something
you forgot?

____________________________________



ATTORNEY: What
was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS: He
said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset
you?

WITNESS: My name is
Susan!

______________________________________



ATTORNEY: Do you
know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?

WITNESS: We
both do.

ATTORNEY: Voodoo?

WITNESS: We do.

ATTORNEY: You
do?

WITNESS: Yes,
voodoo.

______________________________________



ATTORNEY: Now
doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his

sleep, he doesn't
know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS:
Did you actually pass
the bar exam?

____________________________________



ATTORNEY: The
youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS: Uh, he's
twenty.

________________________________________



ATTORNEY: Were
you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Are you
serious?

______________________________________



ATTORNEY: So the
date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

WITNESS:
Yes..

ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS:
Uh.... I was gett'in
laid!

______________________________________



ATTORNEY: She had
three children, right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were
boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS: Are
you serious? Your Honor, I think I need a different

attorney. Can I get
a new attorney?

______________________________________



ATTORNEY:
How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death.

ATTORNEY:
And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS: Now whose death do you
suppose terminated
it?

______________________________________



ATTORNEY: Can you
describe the individual?

WITNESS: He20was about medium height and had a
beard.

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS:
Guess.

_____________________________________



ATTORNEY: Is your
appearance here this morning pursuant to a

deposition notice which I
sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to
work.

______________________________________



ATTORNEY: Doctor,
how many of your autopsies have you performed on
dead

people?

WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Would you like

to rephrase
that?

______________________________________



ATTORNEY: ALL your
responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

WITNESS:
Oral.

______________________________________



ATTORNEY: Do you
recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy
started around 8:30 p.m.

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the
time?

WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was
doing an

autopsy on
him!

____________________________________________



ATTORNEY: Are
you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified
to ask that question?

___________
___________________________



And
the best for last?



ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the
autopsy, did you check for a

pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did
you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check
for breathing?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that
the patient was alive when you

began the autopsy?

WITNESS:
No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his
brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the
patient have still been alive,

nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is
possible that he could have been alive and

practicing
law.

[AlanMcKillop]